Are you doing the right things but in a relationship with someone who isn’t? Remember the saying, “What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”? Talk about stress and complexities! When we don’t live our lives according to our moral standard . . . when we make all of our decisions based on a sliding scale designed by someone else . . . when we give them permission to lie or twist the truth . . . our lives can get really complicated, really fast. When we allow ourselves to just go along with someone to get along we can start to become unglued faster than we ever thought.
On, the other hand, when we live by a healthy moral code, things get so much simpler. Should I tell the cashier that the one cup cake pan sheet rang up is actually two stuck together? If you live by a moral code, there’s no stress for you in this situation because you know exactly what to do. Should I fudge on my income tax? If you live by a code of honor, the answers simple. Should I fantasize about someone who is off-limits? Have an affair? Lie to my husband about the credit card bill? Pass along a bit of juicy news even though it was told to me in confidence? These are no-brainers . . . as long as you have a code to guide you.
If you want to see how complicated life can become when moral standards are compromised? Just watch the news or Judge Judy on any given day there are stories about people who used poor judgement just one time and caused themselves a whole heap of trouble and sometimes even end up in jail. Those men and women are reaping whirlwinds of complexity unusually because somewhere along the way, they got out of the habit of doing the right thing. You don’t want to be like them. Do you?
If you live by a moral code, does that mean your life will never feel stressed or complex? Of course not. But when you make the healthiest choices you can make, each and every day, no matter what traumas and stress comes into our lives at least you’ll have the comfort of knowing that you did you best. Maybe you’ll sleep better at night. Besides, as stressful as life gets, the chances are good that you’re going to want to avoid the added stress that comes with a lifetime of making REALLY bonehead decisions. They say you reap what you sow. So why not Sow wise choices and reap peace.
The good news is that with a little effort or a lot of effort depending on your circumstances you can strip away the residue, wash out unwanted build-up, experience less fatigues, and even put a new bounce in your step. Best yet, you’ll never have to explain to your husband or boyfriend why you are over your limit on credit cards. If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same moral code and they don’t want to develop one then you might consider ending the relationship. After all you’re not a trash can . . . are you?
So why is it so hard to end a relationship when you know you’re being manipulated? Here is one answer or way of looking at it. Maybe it’s because you fear losing the real or perceived benefits you are receiving in the relationship. Ask yourself what it will coast you to walk away. Even unhealthy relationships can provide a sense of feeling loved, significant, and secure. A desperate fear of rejection often paralyzes a person who is trying to make healthy relationships . The belief is of that ” any relationship is better than no relationship.”
When you decide not to be dependent on the person who is the manipulator don’t expect the manipulator to understand or agree with your decisions. Don’t expect them to acknowledge that they have manipulated you and the relationship. Don’t expect them to acknowledge being manipulative and don’t expect them to be willing to stop controlling you and to set you free. However with all that being said, you can prepare yourself by accepting the fact that change is painful, but in time, peace will reign in your heart and may also reign in your relationship. Accept the fact that manipulators resist change and accept the fact that if you don’t change, you will stay in pain and peace will elude you. You will have no peace, no quietness, no rest, but only turmoil.
Ask yourself how are you being manipulated if you can’t see your blind spots ask a trusted friend to help you to see the relationship more clearly and ask them to help you to develop a plan of action. You may want to seek professional help for added support. You can never have to many cheerleaders when you decide to tell the person who is manipulating you about the changes you are going to make. It’s not always easy changing an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one. You may find yourself stating that you’ve been wrong in the way you’ve related to them and at times you’ve not spoken up because you’ve been too fearful. You might even find yourself trying to explain to them that is not been healthy for either of you. Remember you’re not responsible for how they react sometimes manipulators are masters at making others feel a lot of false guilt.
You can go on to say to them that you really care about them and that you are committed to change and how you ultimately want to have a much healthier relationship. Or, if it is not appropriate to continue in a relationship at all . . . then you state your resolve by saying ” I cannot continue in a relationship with you and be the person I need to be for my children or for myself.” Don’t defend yourself although you will be accused of not being loving and caring . . . you may choose to be silent, but don’t use silence as a weapon. Or, you may choose to state the truth once or repeat it several times. “I’m so sorry you feel that way . . . what you’ve said is not true, it does not reflect my heart.” Or you might feel comfortable saying, “I understand that you think I am being heartless, but my goal is to become healthy.” Don’t allow yourself to become confused if they resort to using other methods to control you and remember that they need to know that you are aware of the new methods they are trying to use and eventually they will start to realize that those tactics wouldn’t work either. ” Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words, are perverse.”
The statement you’re not a trash can mean that you are allowing someone with or without recognizing their behaviors to provoke you into emotional patterns that are not good for you. Think about this when someone is dumping into you all their negativity and emotions or belittling you . . . It’s as if they are vomiting into a trash can but instead of a trash can you are a human being who deserves to be treated in a respectful way, in a kind and loving way. If you have lost the ability to treat the ones you love with respect, kindness, and love then maybe you should stop and take a hard long look into yourself and get to the root of why you are not able to be kind, loving or respectful and stop using people like trash cans.
Allowing yourself to be used as a trash can does not originate from a personality flaw or a generic defect. Allowing yourself to be used as a trash can many times is rooted in immaturity, a fact that speaks to the possibility of a codependent lifestyle. However there is good news you don’t have to continue allowing others to use you as a trash can, you can change. While change is never easy, no one has to remain forever in the trash can position. You can change your position any time you want. No one has to remain forever codependent and forgo the opportunity to move from immaturity to maturity. The first step toward maturity is acknowledging and confronting your own codependency.
The key to change is motivation. When your pain in the relationship is greater than your fear of abandonment, the motivation for change is powerful. Moving away from the pain of Codependency then becomes a matter of choice and commitment. If you feel that the relationship you are in is more of a curse than a blessing . . . that it brings more death to your soul than life this can be a strong motivation for change. Maybe it’s time for you to choose life and not death for your soul and get out of the trash can.