Tag Archives: Hope

Tie Up Your Emotional Loose Ends

Posted in Addictions, Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

Keep Your PromisesEveryone has a few emotional loose ends attached to something that their sweetheart has said or done.  Some are harmful while others fester like unexpressed resentments, unmanaged hurts, unresolved conflicts, unmentioned little embarrassments, or unfair requests that are hiding out in the background. Sadly, unsaid, they stand between sweethearts spoiling their emotional bond, clouding the clarity they’d like to have for one another.

Leaving them with emotional loose ends, instead of letting their conflicts, requests, and difficulties languish in the slough of non-expression, they bring them to a conclusion and make peace with one another before going on. Doing this implies that they both desire and believe they can bring their union into the place of emotional homeostasis, of calm, in which they can begin to take tender emotional risks and deepen their relationship.

We all have a tendency to let things go, to hope that whatever is amiss will just work itself out or disappear. Some things do become conveniently irrelevant in time, but the truth is that not resolving resentments and conflicts takes an incredible amount of energy. And all the energy could better be used for kissing each other or making plans to go on a date. So instead of building gallows for your love, take an extra time to resolve your unfinished emotional loose end, no matter how trite or inconsequential it may seem.

Remember ” You Are Not A Trash Can” and love blossoms under blue skies and trying up emotional loose ends shoos all the dark clouds away.

 

Wait . . . what? What is an Authentic Voice?

Posted in Friendship, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

An authentic voice is when we are being 100 per cent ourselves, without fear or reservation. Think about the person you are when you are with your friends, spouse, or your children, and your family. Are you consistently the same or do you change according to who your audience is or how they respond? Have you discovered your authentic voice? Think of how you speak on the phone, the voice you use when you are typing an email, or the words you chose when telling a story at the dinner table. Have you ever tried journeying? Or maybe you’re a blogger who hasn’t found your voice yet.  If so try this little exercise. Think of a memory or story  now call your mom or best friend and tell them the story. 

You can start out by saying. “Hey, remember when.  . . ? Or, “Did I ever tell you the story about the time . . .? Once you finish the conversation, write it down in your journal or on your blog and as you are writing say it to yourself without any fear or reservation and when you are finished ask yourself if the voice in which you just told the story matches the voice in which the story is written. If they match great! You have just used your authentic voice. If they’re quite different, well, read on!Mr & Mrs.

There is no better place to start getting to the authentic heart of your story than with your own blog entries and the nice thing about using a blog is that you can write in a timely manner while topics are still fresh on your mind and the true emotion is there. Many bloggers use events as starting points for writing or journeying. Such as a wedding anniversary.

For example I read a story on a blog about a woman who wrote about the night her  husband proposed to her and how it took her fifteen years to feel brave enough to write him a love letter.  I applaud her for being brave and taking  an opportunity to write from her heart using her authentic voice. Her story  reminding all of us that we don’t always get do overs and second chances.  Some don’t get fifteen years with the love of their lives . So write from your heart and use your authentic voice  . . . and be real.

Your Truth May Not Be What It Once Was

Posted in Addictions, Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

Be RealTruth is a journey toward itself. To live in truth is to be aware that , as your context changes, so will your view of the truth and the range of the truth that your heart and soul can contain. Your truth may not be now what it was or what it will be in the future; but it is your duty to live and speak your truth of the moment and to be willing to change it, should some larger truth be revived.

In relationships, we begin with the small truth about what’s true in that moment for us and speak them, in love, to the person we love. We start by sharing our stories, our needs, our hopes, and our dreams, then move on, through the many and varied vicissitude of our ever unfolding personal selves, toward the truth that embraces us all. For the ultimate truth is immense ; it swallows up all other truths, our little individual truths, the contradictions we all are living, and even the bigger truths of paradox principles and rules.

Begin your journey toward truth. and search for the truth inside you that is longing to be expressed and when you find your truth speak it. See the truth as it stands in your midst, that is carried, embodied, and spoken to you by those you can trust and start living the higher truth as it revealed to you. Your truth can come to you through art, in music, in literature, in nature, and in your dreams. Receive that truth and allow it surround you , for  truth is everywhere. Surrender yourself to the truth, for to live your life in truth is to live in freedom.

There is nothing purer than the truth. It stands inviolate on its own merit, seeing through falsehood and equivocation, shining brilliant at the spiritual totem around which our whole lives are organized. The truth is indivisible , stunning, eternal, the Alpha and Omega of our mortal human existence. Nothing less than the truth can ever equal it: and nothing less than the truth can ever pass it and you certainly were not created to be used as anyone’s trash can so if you are feeling that way stop and sift through the lies you are believing about yourself because the truth will set you free indeed.

Be Willing To Be Surprised

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

Be Available To The Mystery Love of the heart and soul is mysterious. It takes chances. It believes in miracles. It is breath, movement, music, an evanescent moment, a blissful surprise. To be available to its mystery is to be willing to be surprised . .  . as a child discovers their face in a mirror, or a husband undressing his bride for the first time, and discovers the secrets of her. To be open to the miraculous is at last to be bountifully blessed. It is to move with grace, as you sweetly conduct your life, from the mountains of your mind to the rivers of your heart.

To be available to mystery means that you are open, expectant, waiting , continually poised on tiptoe prepared to be illumined .  .  . not locked down in your own expectations of how you think it should happen. In life and in love, this means living free, with your mind-set loose from its gears, not endlessly chattering inside, “But it has its own way,” or “”I thought is was going to be this way.” Our own ideas, those tidy little constructions of the intellect and psyche, just serve to limit our reality, shutdown possibilities, create a universe only as complex and rarified as the busy minds that invented it.

If you are too invested in the concepts of the mind, you will only recognize the things and allow into your life the kinds of experiences that confirm what your mind is already seen. When you set out to prove your presumptions, you scotch your chances of falling toward the miraculous. That’s because being  available to the mystery means being willing to believe that something more or different  . . . something you literally cannot imagine could be lying in wait for you. Indeed, when you surrender to mystery, you may step into an experience so huge and splendid and grand that, truly, you may feel as if you just stepped right out this world.

Remember you are not a trash can and you deserve to be loved the right way . . . meaning by someone who doesn’t disrespect you in any way. Whenever a negative situation occurs in your life, you have choices about how you think about them, which will determine how you respond. Please think highly enough of yourself to say no to anyone who disrespects you and if you feel that you can’t please seek professional help.

 

Enjoy Your Imagination

Posted in Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

It's better

It’s easy to get in a rut and it’s the exceptional that makes love feel like love, and not just a two-person of the  drab, dull, daily routine. That’s not to say that our daily routine isn’t good because everyone knows that after they experience an  unfortunate event that we really appreciate our seemly dull routines. Everyone, (well almost everybody) likes a surprise, the uninvited appearance of the utterly unexpected, the rabbit comes out of the hat, the hidden treasure, the silver lining. The unanticipated leaves us happily off-kilter, so spice up your life by doing something completely different. 

Throw gardenia petal on the bed, put a love note in the freezer, read to each other a bedtime story, bury tickets to the circus under his pillow, follow your sweetheart around with a camera and make a photo essay of them. Leave an erotic message on his cell phone, call her work just to tell her that you love her, sever a candlelight dinner in bed and lastly don’t forget to take the kids to Nana’s house for the night or weekend. Just remember it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you do something unexpected and as often as you can and watch your love turn from dishwater dull to the sparkle of champagne.

Your relationship is priceless.

Not everyone had been given such a gift.

Treasure it, hold it in your hand and up to the light.

Image yourself letting its extraordinary beauty open your heart

And transform you life

Don’t ever forget that you are not a trash can

You are priceless . . .

No One’s Perfect

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships by

Lessions Learned Sometimes we seem to be operating on the principle that everybody else was born perfect, and it’s only a cruel quirk of fate that, unlike everyone else(all of whom are still perfect), we’ve got some ugly knots to untie. Not so.What is true is that within the basic perfection of the gift of life, we’re all given certain difficulties, limitations, and problems as a kind of meditative theme to unravel throughout our lives.  

What ever we must heal, immobilizing fear, explosive rages, abandonment in one or hundred forms is grist for transformation, opportunity for enlightenment. Each time we encounter one of these devastating limitations , we are invited to move through it and experience victory over our fears. On your journey , for example, you may be asked to expand your emotional repertoire from rage to forgiveness, from forgiveness to compassion, and from compassion to indivisible love. Because love is our ultimate destination, this journey of healing is your life’s true work. It doesn’t matter whether you undertake it with extra help  or go it alone . . . what matters is that you start the journey of healing. 

If you don’t, you will live washed in self-pity, endlessly tossed by your feelings, your unfinished emotional business. But if you do, you’ll see that what started out as your painful limitations become in the end your most radiant assets; and your soul, released at last from its endless emotional involvements, will emerge as the shining light.

An Extraordinary Friendship

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Harmony, Hope, Love, Self- Help by

Everyone has baggageGreat friends are hard to find, harder to hang on to and the hardest to let go of. So hold on to them for dear life. They are a priceless treasure. The times when you ride high and the times you sink to your lowest their friendship is like elastic that snaps back to center. They understand that when you have a problem that you don’t want a solution, advice or even sympathy. You need someone to listen. They are your lighthouse in a storm. They guide your through treacherous seas and light the way for your voyage home.

They are the kind of friend who is honest enough to warn you when you are about to make a big mistake and kind enough not to tease you when you make it anyway. Isn’t it funny how two ordinary people can find in each other such and extraordinary friendship? Make sure that you thank them for the times they’ve gently told you that you might want to look at something another way. Their tact and honesty make their advice worth listening to. If they could reach the stars, they’d bring one down for you. People aren’t as loyal as they use to be and that’s just another reason to be grateful for your extraordinary friend. If there is anyone in your life who treats you like a trash can you don’t need them.

Acknowledge The Little Things

Posted in Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

I Heart YouYou’ve been taught to say “thank you” for presents, but do you acknowledge the little presents your sweetheart gives you every day? You can never say thank you enough or be thanked enough. Grand gestures are fun and they can make your heart soar. But if they only happen once or twice a year what’s the fun in that? Little gestures are not as splashy and they might even go unnoticed. Sometimes it seems like if it wasn’t for the raindrops the oceans would soon be empty and doing small acts of kindness for the one you love or receiving kindness from them can be like raindrops that keep your reservoir of love flowing.

When people lose their sweetheart whom they’ve loved dearly, it’s not the grand gestures that they miss. It’s the little things. It’s the nightly kiss goodnight. It’s the vase with just one flower in it that they gave you just because, its hold hands at the movies. It’s the hugs and that sparkly in their eyes that says  I’m glad you’re here. The little things are like the nails that hold a house together . You don’t see them, but they’re doing their work. And like nails, the little things don’t insert themselves without some help. Each one may not take a lot of energy, but if you put just enough energy into the little things, over time you’ll build a great big love.

Everybody wants to hear how much, and precisely why, he or she is loved. Even when they’ve been chosen, even when they’ve tied the knot, they still need the verbal reassurance that they are loved. Everyone needs to be endured, to feel that they are special, delightful, delicious, precious, irreplaceable, to the one they love. They want to be singled out, to be told we are loved above all by the person who has chosen us. You shouldn’t settle for less. Make no mistake having feelings about someone isn’t as good as sharing those feelings with them. Make no mistake words mean a lot to all of us. We all walk around with a huge collection of insecurities, and none of us is so sure, so cut and dry in our conviction about our own self-worth that we don’t need the inspiration of being told every which way, over and over again, exactly why, how and how much we are loved. We need to be told, and the words need to be heart-felt. You’re not a trash can and you were created to be loved in all the right ways not in ways that cause you pain.

 

You Deserve To Bathe In Loves Glow

Posted in Harmony, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

love (2)Love is complex all by itself and it’s not an emotion that can readily be understood. You can’t take it apart to analyze it and it doesn’t become any clearer when seen through a microscope.  Many men enjoy complexity and life is like a giant puzzle they’re itching to solve, and the more pieces, the better. That’s fine if they are building something in their workshops, tinkering with their cars, or driving to some unknown destination, but is doesn’t always work so well when assembling love.

Just because love exists doesn’t mean that it can be understood. So accept love’s simplicity and appreciate it without an examination. Accept it as it is. Accept each other and your singular. Think of it this way love is like a coat of many colors. You put it on and bathe in its glow. You don’t have to understand anything. You don’t have to see how the pieces fit they just do for the two of you. Remember you’re not a car to just be tinkered with or driven to some unknown destination . . .  you deserve to experience the simplicity of love and bathe in loves glow.

Rediscover The Harmony In Your Life

Posted in Addictions, Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Harmony, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

A man should find himself before he finds a womanHarmony is the spiritual beauty of any intimate relationship and the elegant coexistence, peaceful compatibility, a similarity of frequency. It’s knowing that you share the same view of the world, that what you want out of life runs along parallel lines. It’s looking at your sweetheart and being able to say to yourself,”We stand for the same things, don’t we? “We may encounter some rough spots, but at heart we both share the same values.”

In relationships, harmony is a gift of the spirit. It is a mystic similarity of essence that allows you to operate both separately and together from knowing that between you there is a sacred resonance. In a sense, it’s the very reason you chose each other in the first place, if there weren’t a certain degree of harmony between you, you wouldn’t have thrown your lot in together and established a relationship. When there’s harmony you can feel it: it will add grace to all your undertakings, your work, the rearing of your children, the way you conduct the actions in your daily life, the way you handle conflict, and what you perceive to be the underlying deep direction of your life.

Unfortunately, life scratches and claws at the harmony of our relationships. Too many demands in to many forms can undermine the pleasant ground of any union’s harmoniousness. Conversely, harmony that is nurtured can be restored by being lovingly remembered. If the harmony in your relationship is lacking ask yourselves the following questions: After all the fuss and fray, when the kids are in bed, when the fight is over, is the stream of your life together most of the time so good, so flowing, that, in general, you can give thanks for his or her presence in you life? In what ways are the two of you at the core, a complement, a mirror, a balance for one another? What things still gives you pleasure together? What is the highest purpose of your relationship and what is your common undertaking? 

If you are having a hard time finding answers to these  questions, take a good look at what’s compromising the harmony in your relationship. Is it something you can change? is it circumstantial, you’re wife’s been working over time for a month, or is it an emotionally issue that needs to be dealt with? What is the one thing you can do or say that would be a first step towards restoring harmony? Once you take the first step towards harmony it will pursue you.

 

Be Careful Who You Hook Up With!

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

FriendshipThe following is a list of people you should not hook up with:

  • Those who think you are their problem.
  • Those that don’t value what you consider important.
  • Those who are not teachable.
  • Those who ignore your wants. 
  • Those who weaken your faith.
  • Those who hate what you love.

Here is a list of 5 principles of Relationships

  • Your friends affect your future.
  • Every relationship is either a weed or a flower.
  • Every relationship you have is either a weakness or a strength.
  • Every relationship you have is a current that sweeps you towards your destiny or moves you away from it. 
  • Your relationship should expand your vision of your future not keep you in the past.

The life you are living today is the result of a conversation you had yesterday. Your conversation reveals whether you are a winner or a loser.

  • A loser majors on problems and a winner majors on possibilities. 
  • A loser discusses obstacles and a winner talks about opportunities. 
  • A loser talks about disease and a winner talks about health.
  • A loser thinks like a victim and a winner talks like a victor.

Do you know who you really are? I can tell you this much . . . you are not a trash can!

Life is a series of choices

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Walking AwayLife is a series of choices and dependency is a reliance on something or someone else for support or existence. ” I must have this to live.” Dependency can be either negative or positive. Dependency can be an addition to any abject, behavior, or person that represents an underlying attempt to get our emotional needs met. ” I must do this to meet my needs, to make me happy, to make me feel significant. What have you become dependent on that may be causing you more pain than it’s worth? 

Everyone  is suffering from some form of addiction even additions that come under behaviors that are generally considered to be good, those that are wildly socially acceptable but may be equally harmful such as perfectionism, workaholic, care giving, extreme weight loss.

Or, maybe you are suffering form a love addition in which you feel your identity is in another person ( A weak “love addict” is emotionally dependent on someone considered strong.) “A savior addiction” in which you feel your identity is in your ability to meet the needs of another person ( A strong ” savior” needs to be needed by someone considered weak.) Because addictions can provided a momentary high, good feelings are usually associated with them.

Life is full of a myriad of possibilities for us to choose from and once we lose our way we can start to feel as if we are at the mercy of the wind blowing from one person to another, from one philosophy to another. You can even to start to feel like you are a trash can . . . I am here to tell you no matter what your addiction is or dependency is about you are not a trash can! 

Happily Ever After Sounds So Romantic and Appealing Doesn’t It?

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Sweet Little GirlThe idea of Cinderella and other legendary princesses from the land of make-believe has captured the heart of almost every little girl for decades thanks to the creative genius of the late Walt Disney and the company he founded. When you were growing up were you captivated by the Princess World and everything pink, from the sheets on your bed to the princess costumes made of tulle and gauze? Or did you identify with Cinderella before she became a princess? Snow White, Cinderella, plus Ariel and Belle “Bibbi-de-bob-adee-boo,” there’s a Princess team.   

Each princess has a story and a recipe for their favorite food to bake on their talking pink Princess stove. Cinderella has her pumpkin pie, Snow White prefers apple cobbler. The tea-pot makes a whistling noise and tea is served with plastic bananas, hot dogs and cupcakes. Princesses live on cupcakes and pink princess dollars. Take a stroll through any toy store and you see the power of the princess. There are princess CD’s, DVD,s tea set, gowns and puzzles and much more.

Sometimes it seems as if all princess sound alike, so it’s hard to tell if you are listening to Snow White or Pocahontas, who has been made an honorary princess in the spirit of cultural diversity. All princesses’ voices are lifting and sweet. Just because we all read Snow White, and most of us did, that doesn’t mean that we grew up to cook and clean for seven short men, hiding in the dense Forrest from the evil stepmother who wants to do us in.

The question that so many are wondering about is, Why are girls so taken with the princess fantasy?  Is it because every girl wants to be considered physically attractive? Snow White was proclaimed “the fairest of them all”by the magic mirror, and all eyes were on Cinderella at the top of the staircase when she walked into the ballroom. Or, is it the song? Every Disney princess has a beautiful voice, and some of the story lines are based around talent. Or, it the beautiful clothes? Princess wear lovely gowns in bright colors.

Or maybe, it’s the handsome suitor. A princess is always pursued by an attractive male prospect? Or, is the hope of going from rags to riches by marring a prince? And last of all the happily ever after part . . . this is true for every Disney princess, but unfortunate not for the rest of us. Nevertheless, the concept of marring a handsome prince and living happily ever after (no, conflicts or problems) is appealing to young dreamers who hope that one day they will the same privilege. “Happily ever after” sound so romantic and appealing doesn’t it?

What about the little girls who grew up hearing cruel voices following them wherever they went? What happens when they don’t have allies to intervene? What happens to them when they hear evil messages in their immature ears:”The other children don’t like you.” “See, I told you you’d fail.” “You’re different.” “You’re foolish.” “They hate you.” You’re worthless!” As time passes, the voices get louder and more urgent, until they obliterate all other sounds in an adolescents mind and throughout adult hood .

Girls want to know who they are! They want to be accepted and loved. I want you to know that you are one of a kind uniquely created and full of untapped talents and . . . you are not a trash can!

 

Have The Courage To Say No

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

Don't marry the wrong personHaving the courage to say “No’ means that you trust yourself and your relationship. It means you believe your bond has the strength and resilience to absorb your “No,” as well as the power and to grow in moral fortitude. In saying “No” you exercise that faith, that the two of you, together, can live by the values represented by our No; recognizing that theses values will take you to a level higher that the one embodied by the things that you are choosing to resist. 

Sure, you could have five more drinks and lose consciousness. Yes, you could tell a lie and lose your integrity, Yes, you could capitulate to all your sweethearts preferences and then resent him or her because you did. We are defined in life and in love not only by what we have the fortitude to undertake but also by what we have the courage to resist. In a long ago movie, Days of Wine and Roses, a man a woman descend into a wildly gyrating spiral of alcoholism, all the while egging each other on. Finally, the man says “No” to himself, then eventually to his wife. 

Life doesn’t always ask us for such intense denunciations, not is the path to our “No’s” always so excruciatingly painful. But we all have things that we have to say “No” to, for ourselves and in our relationships or else move in a direction that isn’t for our highest good.

Sometimes these “No’s” are small and simple, an unadorned statement of preference that’s a quiet affirmation of your right to be yourself. “No, I don’t want to go to the late show; I’ll be too tired for work in the morning. “No, I don’t want dessert,” “No, I don’t want to go to the party.” Sometimes they ask for more strength, require that you actually take a stand:  “No, I buy a new car  . . . We’re already in too much debt,” or sometimes, as in the unforgettable, movie, they involve issues of life and death: “No, I won’t give up my AA meeting just because you’d like me at home on Tuesday night.”  “No, I don’t want to marry you and “No I don’t want to drink or use drugs with you any more. Sometimes you just got to say “I”m not a trash can and stick up for yourself . . .

Smoke Screens

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

You Got To Be KiddingSome criminals use smoke screens when they commit crimes. Setting off a smoke bomb serves as camouflage, a diversion and a covering for illegal behavior. Smoke screens are specifically designed to obscure, confuse, and mislead. Can you think of a time when someone used a smoke screen to divert attention away from their own flaws? Hiding their wrongs behind a “wall of smoke” is their way of avoiding having to own their bad behaviors. Sometimes when they realize that the smoke screens aren’t working they’ll attack your self-worth by pointing out your faults. 

Leaving you with a critical spirit that focuses on your faults and the faults of others in trying to increase your sense of self-worth. A critical spirit is evident based on a combination of classic characteristics that critical people exhibit. The following list will help you recognize and better understand those who a critical spirit or mouth. Here is a list you can use to gain some insight into your own smoke screens or others.

S- Spreading harmful gossip with the justification that “everyone ought to know”

M- Making others feel embarrassed about their success while secretly envying them.

O- Objecting to criticism from others to avoid personal accountability.

K- Kidding some with the intent to hurt.

E- Engaging in “constructive” criticism is in no way constructive.

S- Shifting the blame to someone else when you yourself are to blame.

C- Criticizing someone’s happiness because you are unhappy.

R- Reminding others of their past failures to avoid attracting attention to your failures.

E- employing sarcastic humor as a weapon to attack.

E- Elevating yourself by putting others down.

N- Nurturing perfectionistic  tendencies to make yourself look better.

Imagine a beam of wood embedded in your eye. It’s to large for you to dislodge without immense pain. It’s too terrifying to think of other people prying it out. The solution seems simply: Ignore it . . . deny it . . . create a smoke screen so no one will notice it. But you can’t hide the beam forever, eventually it will be revealed.

Most people who display a critical spirit seem to be strong to the average observer because of the boldness with which they spew out their critical comments. In truth, criticism is more often the weapon of the weak than of the strong. It serves both to disguise their perceived inner deficiencies and to deceive others into thinking they are self-assured and confident while making others feel like trash. . . you are not a trash can . . . don’t be fooled by someone’s smoke screen  . . . not even your own.

It’s Alright To Ask For Help

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

She's Got FeetWhen was the last time you felt comfortable asking someone for anything . . . for advice, for help, or even for directions?  Asking for what we want whether its help, advice, wisdom, guidance, or information can start us on a new adventure especially information. It was the information on a sign that led me to a delightful new coffee bar while I was leisurely strolling down 5th Avenue in San Diego and I stopped to enjoy a delicious glass of iced café latte’ and sat at  an outdoor table, shaded by a bright red and white stripped umbrella, surrounded by charming white pots of geraniums and every few minutes I peaked with pleasure into my shopping bag to admire the new summer outfit that I had just purchased. 

The best thing about this adventure was that the outfit I bought passed the I am not a trash can test . . .  meaning it looked great, I wanted it, I didn’t just like it I loved it and myself in it, I felt wonderful in it, they were on sale, and I their was no ones critical voice  . . . not even mine criticizing me. Now that’s freedom!

As I finished my delicious drink I started my stroll back to where I was staying when I noticed a women who just by looking at her I could tell that she possessed a sure sense of style . . . she looked terrific, you know the kind, the ones who can pull off wearing a burlap bag. Well she gave me a condescending glance and I smiled at her and said, hello to her and her whole facial expression changed as she said hello back to me with a smile on her face and then I asked her for directions and complimented her on her outfit.

She was gracious and helpful and I was happy because I didn’t allow myself to feel less than her. I just appreciated being me . . . and I didn’t allow any thoughts to put me in the trash can. Have fun being you and stay out of the trash can.

Stop Being A People Pleaser and Become The Authentic You!

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Be RealPerhaps as a child you were told not to toot your own horn, even when you accomplished something amazing. Or maybe you were told to stop dreaming of setting the world on fire, and “have modest aspirations, so you wouldn’t be disappointed.” Maybe when you try to express your authentic self you hear an old voice berating you for “being a show off.” Yet at the same time, out of the corner of your eye you see it was the big gestures that got all the attention in life. Glamour. Fame, Wealth. The trinity of what’s considered good taste and worshiped by the world. Or at least that’s the way the international best-dressed lists, the movie stars’ mansions that are glorified in glossy layouts. It’s not enough to write a finely honored first novel, it has to be a best-seller or you’ll have difficulty publishing a second one. 

You can’t just be a talented actress, you have to win an Academy Award to be considered a success. Tell me, when was the last time you knew of a bronze medalist signing a $1 million endorsement deal? Most of us wouldn’t see our name in lights on Broadway, so we give up, sorry we even tried, our sense of self diminished. Being a modest success just doesn’t make it. We hear “modest” and think “mediocre.” What if modesty isn’t the self-effacing shy, retiring, nerdy virtue we’ve thought she is? What if modesty is really passion restrained? What if modesty is a virtue full of her own smoldering sense of self that she isn’t distracted by the glitz? The American writer and illustrator Oliver Herford believed that modesty was ” the gentle art of enhancing your own charm by pretending not to be aware of it.” People with an authentic style know what they are, but even more important, they know what they are not. They don’t care about labels, They care about personal expression.

Frank Lloyd Wright would never have asked Laura Ashley to decorate his house, even though both showcase the beauty of modesty in their work. The trick is to go deep enough to tap into the core of your authenticity and allow it to flourish. Are you wondering how to begin? First, find out what you love and remember that if you are someone who has tried to please other people or what we call a “people pleaser” this can seem like a daunting task. You may experience awareness that you are  so disconnected from yourself that you don’t even know what you like do,much less love to do. You might want to talk to someone who is professional trained who can teach you how to go from being a people pleaser and help you to find your authentic self.

I leave this thought with you today. Goldilocks was a modest little lady who didn’t want very much. She knew what was “just right,” what was perfect for her . . . be it porridge, chair or bed and she made confident, creative choices. Now there’s a girl we should all want to be when we grow up. It’s never to late, you’re never to old, to young, to find your authentic self . . .  and you clearly are not a trash can.

What A Tangled Web We Weave When First We Practice To Deceive

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Don't Let A Bad Day Make You Think You Have A Bad LifeAre you doing the right things but in a relationship with someone who isn’t?  Remember the saying, “What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”? Talk about stress and complexities! When we don’t live our lives according to our moral standard . . . when we make all of our decisions based on a sliding scale designed by someone else  . . . when we give them permission to lie or twist the truth  . . . our lives can get really complicated, really fast. When we allow ourselves to just go along with someone to get along we can start to become unglued faster than we ever thought. 

On, the other hand, when we live by a healthy moral code, things get so much simpler. Should I tell the cashier that the one cup cake pan sheet rang up is actually two stuck together? If you live by a moral code, there’s no stress for you in this situation because you know exactly what to do. Should I fudge on my income tax? If you live by a code of honor, the answers simple. Should I fantasize about someone who is off-limits? Have an affair? Lie to my husband about the credit card bill? Pass along a bit of juicy news even though it was told to me in confidence? These are no-brainers . . .  as long as you have a code to guide you.

If you want to see how complicated life can become when moral standards are compromised? Just watch the news or Judge Judy on any given day there are stories about people who used poor judgement just one time and caused themselves a whole heap of trouble and sometimes even end up in jail. Those men and women are reaping whirlwinds of complexity unusually because somewhere along the way, they got out of the habit of doing the right thing. You don’t want to be like them. Do you?

If you live by a moral code, does that mean your life will never feel stressed or complex? Of course not. But when you make the healthiest choices you can make, each and every day, no matter what traumas and stress comes into our lives at least you’ll have the comfort of knowing that you did you best. Maybe you’ll sleep better at night. Besides, as stressful as life gets, the chances are good that you’re going to want to avoid the added stress that comes with a lifetime of making REALLY bonehead decisions. They say you reap what you sow. So why not Sow wise choices and reap peace.

The good news is that with a little effort or a lot of effort depending on your circumstances you can strip away the residue, wash out unwanted build-up, experience less fatigues, and even put a new bounce in your step. Best yet, you’ll never have to explain to your husband or boyfriend why you are over your limit on credit cards. If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same moral code and they don’t want to develop one then you might consider ending the relationship. After all you’re not a trash can . . . are you?

Is Any Relationship Really Better Than No Relationship At All?

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Relationships, Self- Help by

It's OverSo why is it so hard to end a relationship when you know you’re being manipulated? Here is one answer or way of looking at it. Maybe it’s because you fear losing the real or perceived benefits you are receiving in the relationship. Ask yourself what it will coast you to walk away. Even unhealthy relationships can provide a sense of feeling loved, significant, and secure. A desperate fear of rejection often paralyzes a person who is trying to make healthy relationships . The belief is of that ” any relationship is better than no relationship.”

When you decide not to be dependent on the person who is the manipulator don’t expect the manipulator to understand or agree with your decisions. Don’t expect them to acknowledge that they have manipulated you and the relationship. Don’t expect them to acknowledge being manipulative and don’t expect them to be willing to stop controlling you and to set you free. However with all that being said, you can prepare yourself by accepting the fact that change is painful, but in time, peace will reign in your heart and may also reign in your relationship. Accept the fact that manipulators resist change and accept the fact that if you don’t change, you will stay in pain and peace will elude you. You will have no peace, no quietness, no rest, but only turmoil.

Ask yourself how are you being manipulated if you can’t see your blind spots ask a trusted friend to help you to see the relationship more clearly and ask them to help you to develop a plan of action. You may want to seek professional help for added support. You can never have to many cheerleaders when you decide to tell the person who is manipulating you about the changes you are going to make. It’s not always easy changing an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one. You may find yourself stating that you’ve been wrong in the way you’ve related to them and at times you’ve not spoken up because you’ve been too fearful. You might even find yourself trying to explain to them that is not been healthy for either of you. Remember you’re not responsible for how they react sometimes manipulators are masters at making others feel a lot of false guilt.

You can go on to say to them that you really care about them and that you are committed to change and how you ultimately want to have a much healthier relationship. Or, if it is not appropriate to continue in a relationship at all . . . then you state your resolve by saying ” I cannot continue in a relationship with you and be the person I need to be for my children or for myself.” Don’t defend yourself although you will be accused of not being loving and caring . . .  you may choose to be silent, but don’t use silence as a weapon. Or, you may choose to state the truth once or repeat it several times. “I’m so sorry you feel that way . . .  what you’ve said is not true, it does not reflect my heart.” Or you might feel comfortable saying, “I understand that you think I am being heartless, but my goal is to become healthy.” Don’t allow yourself to become confused if they resort to using other methods to control you and remember that  they need to know that you are aware of the new methods they are trying to use and eventually they will start to realize  that those tactics wouldn’t work either. ” Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words, are perverse.”

 

You’re Not A Trash Can

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

The Girl In YellowThe statement you’re not a trash can mean that you are allowing someone with or without recognizing their behaviors to provoke you into emotional patterns that are not good for you. Think about this when someone is dumping into you all their negativity and emotions or  belittling you . . .  It’s as if they are vomiting into a trash can but instead of a trash can you are a human being who deserves to be treated in a respectful way, in a kind and loving way. If you have lost the ability to treat the ones you love with respect, kindness, and love then maybe you should stop and take a hard long look into yourself and get to the root of why you are not able to be kind, loving or respectful and stop using people like trash cans.

Allowing yourself to be used as a trash can does not originate from a personality flaw or a generic defect. Allowing yourself to be used as a trash can many times is rooted in immaturity, a fact that speaks to the possibility of a codependent lifestyle. However there is good news you don’t have to continue allowing others to use you as a trash can, you can change. While change is never easy, no one has to remain forever in the trash can position. You can change your position any time you want. No one has to remain forever codependent and forgo the opportunity to move from immaturity to maturity. The first step toward maturity is acknowledging and confronting your own codependency.

The key to change is motivation. When your pain in the relationship is greater than your fear of abandonment, the motivation for change is powerful. Moving away from the pain of Codependency then becomes a matter of choice and commitment. If you feel that the relationship you are in is more of a curse than a blessing . . .  that it brings more death to your soul than life this can be a strong motivation for change. Maybe it’s time for you to choose life and not death for your soul and get out of the trash can.