Category Archives: Co-Dependency

Tie Up Your Emotional Loose Ends

Posted in Addictions, Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

Keep Your PromisesEveryone has a few emotional loose ends attached to something that their sweetheart has said or done.  Some are harmful while others fester like unexpressed resentments, unmanaged hurts, unresolved conflicts, unmentioned little embarrassments, or unfair requests that are hiding out in the background. Sadly, unsaid, they stand between sweethearts spoiling their emotional bond, clouding the clarity they’d like to have for one another.

Leaving them with emotional loose ends, instead of letting their conflicts, requests, and difficulties languish in the slough of non-expression, they bring them to a conclusion and make peace with one another before going on. Doing this implies that they both desire and believe they can bring their union into the place of emotional homeostasis, of calm, in which they can begin to take tender emotional risks and deepen their relationship.

We all have a tendency to let things go, to hope that whatever is amiss will just work itself out or disappear. Some things do become conveniently irrelevant in time, but the truth is that not resolving resentments and conflicts takes an incredible amount of energy. And all the energy could better be used for kissing each other or making plans to go on a date. So instead of building gallows for your love, take an extra time to resolve your unfinished emotional loose end, no matter how trite or inconsequential it may seem.

Remember ” You Are Not A Trash Can” and love blossoms under blue skies and trying up emotional loose ends shoos all the dark clouds away.

 

Your Truth May Not Be What It Once Was

Posted in Addictions, Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

Be RealTruth is a journey toward itself. To live in truth is to be aware that , as your context changes, so will your view of the truth and the range of the truth that your heart and soul can contain. Your truth may not be now what it was or what it will be in the future; but it is your duty to live and speak your truth of the moment and to be willing to change it, should some larger truth be revived.

In relationships, we begin with the small truth about what’s true in that moment for us and speak them, in love, to the person we love. We start by sharing our stories, our needs, our hopes, and our dreams, then move on, through the many and varied vicissitude of our ever unfolding personal selves, toward the truth that embraces us all. For the ultimate truth is immense ; it swallows up all other truths, our little individual truths, the contradictions we all are living, and even the bigger truths of paradox principles and rules.

Begin your journey toward truth. and search for the truth inside you that is longing to be expressed and when you find your truth speak it. See the truth as it stands in your midst, that is carried, embodied, and spoken to you by those you can trust and start living the higher truth as it revealed to you. Your truth can come to you through art, in music, in literature, in nature, and in your dreams. Receive that truth and allow it surround you , for  truth is everywhere. Surrender yourself to the truth, for to live your life in truth is to live in freedom.

There is nothing purer than the truth. It stands inviolate on its own merit, seeing through falsehood and equivocation, shining brilliant at the spiritual totem around which our whole lives are organized. The truth is indivisible , stunning, eternal, the Alpha and Omega of our mortal human existence. Nothing less than the truth can ever equal it: and nothing less than the truth can ever pass it and you certainly were not created to be used as anyone’s trash can so if you are feeling that way stop and sift through the lies you are believing about yourself because the truth will set you free indeed.

Be Willing To Be Surprised

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

Be Available To The Mystery Love of the heart and soul is mysterious. It takes chances. It believes in miracles. It is breath, movement, music, an evanescent moment, a blissful surprise. To be available to its mystery is to be willing to be surprised . .  . as a child discovers their face in a mirror, or a husband undressing his bride for the first time, and discovers the secrets of her. To be open to the miraculous is at last to be bountifully blessed. It is to move with grace, as you sweetly conduct your life, from the mountains of your mind to the rivers of your heart.

To be available to mystery means that you are open, expectant, waiting , continually poised on tiptoe prepared to be illumined .  .  . not locked down in your own expectations of how you think it should happen. In life and in love, this means living free, with your mind-set loose from its gears, not endlessly chattering inside, “But it has its own way,” or “”I thought is was going to be this way.” Our own ideas, those tidy little constructions of the intellect and psyche, just serve to limit our reality, shutdown possibilities, create a universe only as complex and rarified as the busy minds that invented it.

If you are too invested in the concepts of the mind, you will only recognize the things and allow into your life the kinds of experiences that confirm what your mind is already seen. When you set out to prove your presumptions, you scotch your chances of falling toward the miraculous. That’s because being  available to the mystery means being willing to believe that something more or different  . . . something you literally cannot imagine could be lying in wait for you. Indeed, when you surrender to mystery, you may step into an experience so huge and splendid and grand that, truly, you may feel as if you just stepped right out this world.

Remember you are not a trash can and you deserve to be loved the right way . . . meaning by someone who doesn’t disrespect you in any way. Whenever a negative situation occurs in your life, you have choices about how you think about them, which will determine how you respond. Please think highly enough of yourself to say no to anyone who disrespects you and if you feel that you can’t please seek professional help.

 

Note to Self

Posted in Co-Dependency, Hope, Love, Self- Help by

Note to SelfOur life experiences, the life lessons we’ve  learned, and our unique gifts all combined, give us the opportunity to walk into the future with unlimited potential to grow into our own success. Success isn’t defined by a collection of assets, an accumulation of power or cash in the bank. If that were the formula, there would be no sorrow for those in the highest tax brackets. Rather, success is living out God’s purpose for your life . . . using the gifting He has given us.

We are designed to seek definition, to seek category, to seek order from chaos. Electrical impulses pour into our brains from each of our five senses ( sight, touch, taste, sound and smell). Our brains have a very sophisticated system . . . using the electrical input to form thoughts and act upon them accordingly  . . . to make order of this flood of incoming information.

As we navigate through life, it simply makes sense to us to group each other as we try to make sense of our differences and nuances. Imagine this: God is eternity and infinity. He gifted each of us with a unique piece of His thinking to achieve a unique purpose He designed us to fulfill. We are more than equipped to deal with life successfully. Remember you have value and you’re not a trash can . God doesn’t make trash!!!!

Do You Really Need to Fire Your Verbal Machine Gun?

Posted in Addictions, Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

Be RealBefore you fire your verbal machine gun it’s important to investigate the maturity of your emotional output. Just because you feel like saying something doesn’t mean it has to be said in the way or at exactly the moment you feel like saying it. Remember, your relationship is a precious thing that deserves to be preserved. Look for a more appropriate time and way to express your feelings so that your relationship will be enhanced rather than eroded or destroyed.

When you fight leave the kitchen sink in the kitchen. What I mean by this is don’t just throw things into the argument that don’t have anything to do with the issues at hand. Why bring up something that happened ten months ago that just adds confusion and  is not the right way to treat someone or anyone.

So no matter what you’re so furious about, try to resist the temptation to let it all hang out or to let the devil take the hindmost. It’s important to stop and think before you let the other person have it. Ask yourself two questions.

Do I really need to say this? That is, does this horrible, angry, vituperative, or character-blasting thing really need to be said? Will it improve the immediate situation? Is there anything useful to be gained by saying mean words? For example, saying to your sweetheart that you not only think your sex life is awful now, but it has been for the past five years? Will this or similar remarks speed up the person’s evolution, or your own, or is saying it just the indulgence of revved up emotions that want to released?

Ask yourself this question. Do I really need to say this now? The diatribe you want to indulge in may include some very valuable points that really do need to be expressed. But is this the time to make them? Will you set off a furor or engender a useful response? Remember you are not a trash can and if you are in a relationship with someone who says horrible, angry, vituperative character blasting things at you or about you . You might consider getting counseling to find out why you are allowing someone to treat that way because God didn’t create you to be treated badly by anyone.

 

love Is A Mystery

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

Last KissLove is a mystery, the essence of it is almost angelic. It’s very nature goes beyond what we can understand by any of the systems through which we usually comprehend reality. It both binds and frees us. It opens our hearts and breaks our hearts. It can  neither be seen, except in the eyes of the beloved, nor felt, except in the heart of the one who is cherished.

In visible, its absence leaves us gray hearted, wounded in spirit, while its presence transforms our hearts, our psyches, and our lives. Many seek love without knowing what it is, knowing they will know when they find it. This is the true mystery of love, that no matter how much we are unable to describe it, we always recognize it when we experience it. Sometimes love comes to stay, nourished and coddled by the feelings and efforts of those who have invited it in. Love infuses itself into relationships by means that are beyond our invention or imagining . 

But if it is not honored and nourished, love will leave. In bowing to the mystery of love we acknowledge that love is beyond our comprehension, that we will never fully understand it. The love we seek, seeks us, embraces us without our knowing, and binds our spirits into itself. There is a point at which in the presence of love there is nothing more to say or prove, nothing left to ask for or regret , nothing left except the miracle of love itself. Having a relationship is about loving and being loved, feeling preciously and deliciously connected to your sweetheart. You’re not a trash can so why settle for anything less than being deliciously connected to your sweetheart?

In A Time Of Crisis Can You Rely On Your Sweetheart?

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Harmony, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

FreeSadly, you may be in a crisis or maybe more than one. You may be feeling that no matter how blue the skies are today, it’s going to rain on your parade at some point. When that happens you should be able to use your sweethearts shoulder to cry on but sometimes for one reason or another they let you down. If the crisis thunders by quickly, the relationship will surely hold, but if it lingers it could  pull you further and further apart until the relationship breaks. And in a hurricane of events, even the most solid of duos may find themselves straining to hold their relationship together.

When you’re under stress, it’s easy to take your sweetheart for granted, but that may leave you blind-sided by a blow from somewhere that you least expect it. If your relationship has never been test by one of life’s more serious curves, don’t assume that you know how well your tires will stick to the road. In times of crisis, don’t leave having some private time to chance where you can be alone with your sweetie. Family and friends may want to crowd around to comfort you, but it’s very important that the two of you connect without being under the spotlight.

If your relationship seems like a firestorm no matter how terrified or tense or sad you are, push aside those emotions and focus on yourself. Dive deep down away from the flames and into what’s in your heart and hold on until you can take action and make the necessary changes. Sometimes it can be your sweetheart that is the crisis. If that’s the case you might have to take some alone time to sort out if the crisis is on going because of their choices and just let them go or figure out if it’s just a one time crisis. No matter what storms of life you are in remember you are not a trash can and you deserve to be loved and respected.

Rediscover The Harmony In Your Life

Posted in Addictions, Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Harmony, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

A man should find himself before he finds a womanHarmony is the spiritual beauty of any intimate relationship and the elegant coexistence, peaceful compatibility, a similarity of frequency. It’s knowing that you share the same view of the world, that what you want out of life runs along parallel lines. It’s looking at your sweetheart and being able to say to yourself,”We stand for the same things, don’t we? “We may encounter some rough spots, but at heart we both share the same values.”

In relationships, harmony is a gift of the spirit. It is a mystic similarity of essence that allows you to operate both separately and together from knowing that between you there is a sacred resonance. In a sense, it’s the very reason you chose each other in the first place, if there weren’t a certain degree of harmony between you, you wouldn’t have thrown your lot in together and established a relationship. When there’s harmony you can feel it: it will add grace to all your undertakings, your work, the rearing of your children, the way you conduct the actions in your daily life, the way you handle conflict, and what you perceive to be the underlying deep direction of your life.

Unfortunately, life scratches and claws at the harmony of our relationships. Too many demands in to many forms can undermine the pleasant ground of any union’s harmoniousness. Conversely, harmony that is nurtured can be restored by being lovingly remembered. If the harmony in your relationship is lacking ask yourselves the following questions: After all the fuss and fray, when the kids are in bed, when the fight is over, is the stream of your life together most of the time so good, so flowing, that, in general, you can give thanks for his or her presence in you life? In what ways are the two of you at the core, a complement, a mirror, a balance for one another? What things still gives you pleasure together? What is the highest purpose of your relationship and what is your common undertaking? 

If you are having a hard time finding answers to these  questions, take a good look at what’s compromising the harmony in your relationship. Is it something you can change? is it circumstantial, you’re wife’s been working over time for a month, or is it an emotionally issue that needs to be dealt with? What is the one thing you can do or say that would be a first step towards restoring harmony? Once you take the first step towards harmony it will pursue you.

 

Life is a series of choices

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Walking AwayLife is a series of choices and dependency is a reliance on something or someone else for support or existence. ” I must have this to live.” Dependency can be either negative or positive. Dependency can be an addition to any abject, behavior, or person that represents an underlying attempt to get our emotional needs met. ” I must do this to meet my needs, to make me happy, to make me feel significant. What have you become dependent on that may be causing you more pain than it’s worth? 

Everyone  is suffering from some form of addiction even additions that come under behaviors that are generally considered to be good, those that are wildly socially acceptable but may be equally harmful such as perfectionism, workaholic, care giving, extreme weight loss.

Or, maybe you are suffering form a love addition in which you feel your identity is in another person ( A weak “love addict” is emotionally dependent on someone considered strong.) “A savior addiction” in which you feel your identity is in your ability to meet the needs of another person ( A strong ” savior” needs to be needed by someone considered weak.) Because addictions can provided a momentary high, good feelings are usually associated with them.

Life is full of a myriad of possibilities for us to choose from and once we lose our way we can start to feel as if we are at the mercy of the wind blowing from one person to another, from one philosophy to another. You can even to start to feel like you are a trash can . . . I am here to tell you no matter what your addiction is or dependency is about you are not a trash can!