Author Archives: Carol

Acknowledge The Little Things

Posted in Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

I Heart YouYou’ve been taught to say “thank you” for presents, but do you acknowledge the little presents your sweetheart gives you every day? You can never say thank you enough or be thanked enough. Grand gestures are fun and they can make your heart soar. But if they only happen once or twice a year what’s the fun in that? Little gestures are not as splashy and they might even go unnoticed. Sometimes it seems like if it wasn’t for the raindrops the oceans would soon be empty and doing small acts of kindness for the one you love or receiving kindness from them can be like raindrops that keep your reservoir of love flowing.

When people lose their sweetheart whom they’ve loved dearly, it’s not the grand gestures that they miss. It’s the little things. It’s the nightly kiss goodnight. It’s the vase with just one flower in it that they gave you just because, its hold hands at the movies. It’s the hugs and that sparkly in their eyes that says  I’m glad you’re here. The little things are like the nails that hold a house together . You don’t see them, but they’re doing their work. And like nails, the little things don’t insert themselves without some help. Each one may not take a lot of energy, but if you put just enough energy into the little things, over time you’ll build a great big love.

Everybody wants to hear how much, and precisely why, he or she is loved. Even when they’ve been chosen, even when they’ve tied the knot, they still need the verbal reassurance that they are loved. Everyone needs to be endured, to feel that they are special, delightful, delicious, precious, irreplaceable, to the one they love. They want to be singled out, to be told we are loved above all by the person who has chosen us. You shouldn’t settle for less. Make no mistake having feelings about someone isn’t as good as sharing those feelings with them. Make no mistake words mean a lot to all of us. We all walk around with a huge collection of insecurities, and none of us is so sure, so cut and dry in our conviction about our own self-worth that we don’t need the inspiration of being told every which way, over and over again, exactly why, how and how much we are loved. We need to be told, and the words need to be heart-felt. You’re not a trash can and you were created to be loved in all the right ways not in ways that cause you pain.

 

You Deserve To Bathe In Loves Glow

Posted in Harmony, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

love (2)Love is complex all by itself and it’s not an emotion that can readily be understood. You can’t take it apart to analyze it and it doesn’t become any clearer when seen through a microscope.  Many men enjoy complexity and life is like a giant puzzle they’re itching to solve, and the more pieces, the better. That’s fine if they are building something in their workshops, tinkering with their cars, or driving to some unknown destination, but is doesn’t always work so well when assembling love.

Just because love exists doesn’t mean that it can be understood. So accept love’s simplicity and appreciate it without an examination. Accept it as it is. Accept each other and your singular. Think of it this way love is like a coat of many colors. You put it on and bathe in its glow. You don’t have to understand anything. You don’t have to see how the pieces fit they just do for the two of you. Remember you’re not a car to just be tinkered with or driven to some unknown destination . . .  you deserve to experience the simplicity of love and bathe in loves glow.

love Is A Mystery

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

Last KissLove is a mystery, the essence of it is almost angelic. It’s very nature goes beyond what we can understand by any of the systems through which we usually comprehend reality. It both binds and frees us. It opens our hearts and breaks our hearts. It can  neither be seen, except in the eyes of the beloved, nor felt, except in the heart of the one who is cherished.

In visible, its absence leaves us gray hearted, wounded in spirit, while its presence transforms our hearts, our psyches, and our lives. Many seek love without knowing what it is, knowing they will know when they find it. This is the true mystery of love, that no matter how much we are unable to describe it, we always recognize it when we experience it. Sometimes love comes to stay, nourished and coddled by the feelings and efforts of those who have invited it in. Love infuses itself into relationships by means that are beyond our invention or imagining . 

But if it is not honored and nourished, love will leave. In bowing to the mystery of love we acknowledge that love is beyond our comprehension, that we will never fully understand it. The love we seek, seeks us, embraces us without our knowing, and binds our spirits into itself. There is a point at which in the presence of love there is nothing more to say or prove, nothing left to ask for or regret , nothing left except the miracle of love itself. Having a relationship is about loving and being loved, feeling preciously and deliciously connected to your sweetheart. You’re not a trash can so why settle for anything less than being deliciously connected to your sweetheart?

In A Time Of Crisis Can You Rely On Your Sweetheart?

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Harmony, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

FreeSadly, you may be in a crisis or maybe more than one. You may be feeling that no matter how blue the skies are today, it’s going to rain on your parade at some point. When that happens you should be able to use your sweethearts shoulder to cry on but sometimes for one reason or another they let you down. If the crisis thunders by quickly, the relationship will surely hold, but if it lingers it could  pull you further and further apart until the relationship breaks. And in a hurricane of events, even the most solid of duos may find themselves straining to hold their relationship together.

When you’re under stress, it’s easy to take your sweetheart for granted, but that may leave you blind-sided by a blow from somewhere that you least expect it. If your relationship has never been test by one of life’s more serious curves, don’t assume that you know how well your tires will stick to the road. In times of crisis, don’t leave having some private time to chance where you can be alone with your sweetie. Family and friends may want to crowd around to comfort you, but it’s very important that the two of you connect without being under the spotlight.

If your relationship seems like a firestorm no matter how terrified or tense or sad you are, push aside those emotions and focus on yourself. Dive deep down away from the flames and into what’s in your heart and hold on until you can take action and make the necessary changes. Sometimes it can be your sweetheart that is the crisis. If that’s the case you might have to take some alone time to sort out if the crisis is on going because of their choices and just let them go or figure out if it’s just a one time crisis. No matter what storms of life you are in remember you are not a trash can and you deserve to be loved and respected.

Put More Of Yourself In Every Shared Moment

Posted in Harmony, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

Take My PictureLove is like a garden and unless you tend to it, you’ll never reap the full rewards that it brings. The ground needs to be tilled with kindness, because if is too hard, love’s seed can’t spout up. The seeds have to be planted with care if they are to penetrate your heart. Love needs to be watered with kind words and compliments. 

Love longs for your undivided attention just as the weeds of pettiness and lies must be pulled from the field of love. The fruits of love need time to grow and cannot be picked until they are ripe. If you don’t put the required effort into your garden of love, you can be certain that the weeds will invade and your garden will yield little in the way of love. But if you work at it, you’ll find a bumper crop of love waiting for you to harvest everyday.

When you’re in love, every day should be considered memorable: every good-morning kiss, every hug, every caress, every cuddle. They could be considered seeds that you plant in your garden of love. Your precious minutes spent together on earth are not so easily held onto. A walk down the aisle, that period of tropical bliss you call your honeymoon, your toddlers first steps, or a family vacation may stand out in your memories.

Even if you can’t remember every time you do something together it, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t act like you will. The two of you will experience  thousands of events together and they can’t all stick out in your mind, but you can learn to enjoy those moments more by putting more of yourself into each and every shared moment, they’ll mean so much more to you when they’re occurring. Stop kissing perfunctorily and put some passion into each kiss. Look your sweetheart in their eyes and mean it when you say “I love you.” At the end of the day, your memory banks may not be any fuller, but your love will be a lot stronger. You’re not a trash can you deserve someone who looks into your eyes everyday and says, “I love you” and treats you with respect and kindness.

 

 

Rediscover The Harmony In Your Life

Posted in Addictions, Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Harmony, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

A man should find himself before he finds a womanHarmony is the spiritual beauty of any intimate relationship and the elegant coexistence, peaceful compatibility, a similarity of frequency. It’s knowing that you share the same view of the world, that what you want out of life runs along parallel lines. It’s looking at your sweetheart and being able to say to yourself,”We stand for the same things, don’t we? “We may encounter some rough spots, but at heart we both share the same values.”

In relationships, harmony is a gift of the spirit. It is a mystic similarity of essence that allows you to operate both separately and together from knowing that between you there is a sacred resonance. In a sense, it’s the very reason you chose each other in the first place, if there weren’t a certain degree of harmony between you, you wouldn’t have thrown your lot in together and established a relationship. When there’s harmony you can feel it: it will add grace to all your undertakings, your work, the rearing of your children, the way you conduct the actions in your daily life, the way you handle conflict, and what you perceive to be the underlying deep direction of your life.

Unfortunately, life scratches and claws at the harmony of our relationships. Too many demands in to many forms can undermine the pleasant ground of any union’s harmoniousness. Conversely, harmony that is nurtured can be restored by being lovingly remembered. If the harmony in your relationship is lacking ask yourselves the following questions: After all the fuss and fray, when the kids are in bed, when the fight is over, is the stream of your life together most of the time so good, so flowing, that, in general, you can give thanks for his or her presence in you life? In what ways are the two of you at the core, a complement, a mirror, a balance for one another? What things still gives you pleasure together? What is the highest purpose of your relationship and what is your common undertaking? 

If you are having a hard time finding answers to these  questions, take a good look at what’s compromising the harmony in your relationship. Is it something you can change? is it circumstantial, you’re wife’s been working over time for a month, or is it an emotionally issue that needs to be dealt with? What is the one thing you can do or say that would be a first step towards restoring harmony? Once you take the first step towards harmony it will pursue you.

 

Be Careful Who You Hook Up With!

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

FriendshipThe following is a list of people you should not hook up with:

  • Those who think you are their problem.
  • Those that don’t value what you consider important.
  • Those who are not teachable.
  • Those who ignore your wants. 
  • Those who weaken your faith.
  • Those who hate what you love.

Here is a list of 5 principles of Relationships

  • Your friends affect your future.
  • Every relationship is either a weed or a flower.
  • Every relationship you have is either a weakness or a strength.
  • Every relationship you have is a current that sweeps you towards your destiny or moves you away from it. 
  • Your relationship should expand your vision of your future not keep you in the past.

The life you are living today is the result of a conversation you had yesterday. Your conversation reveals whether you are a winner or a loser.

  • A loser majors on problems and a winner majors on possibilities. 
  • A loser discusses obstacles and a winner talks about opportunities. 
  • A loser talks about disease and a winner talks about health.
  • A loser thinks like a victim and a winner talks like a victor.

Do you know who you really are? I can tell you this much . . . you are not a trash can!

Life is a series of choices

Posted in Co-Dependency, Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Walking AwayLife is a series of choices and dependency is a reliance on something or someone else for support or existence. ” I must have this to live.” Dependency can be either negative or positive. Dependency can be an addition to any abject, behavior, or person that represents an underlying attempt to get our emotional needs met. ” I must do this to meet my needs, to make me happy, to make me feel significant. What have you become dependent on that may be causing you more pain than it’s worth? 

Everyone  is suffering from some form of addiction even additions that come under behaviors that are generally considered to be good, those that are wildly socially acceptable but may be equally harmful such as perfectionism, workaholic, care giving, extreme weight loss.

Or, maybe you are suffering form a love addition in which you feel your identity is in another person ( A weak “love addict” is emotionally dependent on someone considered strong.) “A savior addiction” in which you feel your identity is in your ability to meet the needs of another person ( A strong ” savior” needs to be needed by someone considered weak.) Because addictions can provided a momentary high, good feelings are usually associated with them.

Life is full of a myriad of possibilities for us to choose from and once we lose our way we can start to feel as if we are at the mercy of the wind blowing from one person to another, from one philosophy to another. You can even to start to feel like you are a trash can . . . I am here to tell you no matter what your addiction is or dependency is about you are not a trash can! 

Happily Ever After Sounds So Romantic and Appealing Doesn’t It?

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Sweet Little GirlThe idea of Cinderella and other legendary princesses from the land of make-believe has captured the heart of almost every little girl for decades thanks to the creative genius of the late Walt Disney and the company he founded. When you were growing up were you captivated by the Princess World and everything pink, from the sheets on your bed to the princess costumes made of tulle and gauze? Or did you identify with Cinderella before she became a princess? Snow White, Cinderella, plus Ariel and Belle “Bibbi-de-bob-adee-boo,” there’s a Princess team.   

Each princess has a story and a recipe for their favorite food to bake on their talking pink Princess stove. Cinderella has her pumpkin pie, Snow White prefers apple cobbler. The tea-pot makes a whistling noise and tea is served with plastic bananas, hot dogs and cupcakes. Princesses live on cupcakes and pink princess dollars. Take a stroll through any toy store and you see the power of the princess. There are princess CD’s, DVD,s tea set, gowns and puzzles and much more.

Sometimes it seems as if all princess sound alike, so it’s hard to tell if you are listening to Snow White or Pocahontas, who has been made an honorary princess in the spirit of cultural diversity. All princesses’ voices are lifting and sweet. Just because we all read Snow White, and most of us did, that doesn’t mean that we grew up to cook and clean for seven short men, hiding in the dense Forrest from the evil stepmother who wants to do us in.

The question that so many are wondering about is, Why are girls so taken with the princess fantasy?  Is it because every girl wants to be considered physically attractive? Snow White was proclaimed “the fairest of them all”by the magic mirror, and all eyes were on Cinderella at the top of the staircase when she walked into the ballroom. Or, is it the song? Every Disney princess has a beautiful voice, and some of the story lines are based around talent. Or, it the beautiful clothes? Princess wear lovely gowns in bright colors.

Or maybe, it’s the handsome suitor. A princess is always pursued by an attractive male prospect? Or, is the hope of going from rags to riches by marring a prince? And last of all the happily ever after part . . . this is true for every Disney princess, but unfortunate not for the rest of us. Nevertheless, the concept of marring a handsome prince and living happily ever after (no, conflicts or problems) is appealing to young dreamers who hope that one day they will the same privilege. “Happily ever after” sound so romantic and appealing doesn’t it?

What about the little girls who grew up hearing cruel voices following them wherever they went? What happens when they don’t have allies to intervene? What happens to them when they hear evil messages in their immature ears:”The other children don’t like you.” “See, I told you you’d fail.” “You’re different.” “You’re foolish.” “They hate you.” You’re worthless!” As time passes, the voices get louder and more urgent, until they obliterate all other sounds in an adolescents mind and throughout adult hood .

Girls want to know who they are! They want to be accepted and loved. I want you to know that you are one of a kind uniquely created and full of untapped talents and . . . you are not a trash can!

 

Have The Courage To Say No

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

Don't marry the wrong personHaving the courage to say “No’ means that you trust yourself and your relationship. It means you believe your bond has the strength and resilience to absorb your “No,” as well as the power and to grow in moral fortitude. In saying “No” you exercise that faith, that the two of you, together, can live by the values represented by our No; recognizing that theses values will take you to a level higher that the one embodied by the things that you are choosing to resist. 

Sure, you could have five more drinks and lose consciousness. Yes, you could tell a lie and lose your integrity, Yes, you could capitulate to all your sweethearts preferences and then resent him or her because you did. We are defined in life and in love not only by what we have the fortitude to undertake but also by what we have the courage to resist. In a long ago movie, Days of Wine and Roses, a man a woman descend into a wildly gyrating spiral of alcoholism, all the while egging each other on. Finally, the man says “No” to himself, then eventually to his wife. 

Life doesn’t always ask us for such intense denunciations, not is the path to our “No’s” always so excruciatingly painful. But we all have things that we have to say “No” to, for ourselves and in our relationships or else move in a direction that isn’t for our highest good.

Sometimes these “No’s” are small and simple, an unadorned statement of preference that’s a quiet affirmation of your right to be yourself. “No, I don’t want to go to the late show; I’ll be too tired for work in the morning. “No, I don’t want dessert,” “No, I don’t want to go to the party.” Sometimes they ask for more strength, require that you actually take a stand:  “No, I buy a new car  . . . We’re already in too much debt,” or sometimes, as in the unforgettable, movie, they involve issues of life and death: “No, I won’t give up my AA meeting just because you’d like me at home on Tuesday night.”  “No, I don’t want to marry you and “No I don’t want to drink or use drugs with you any more. Sometimes you just got to say “I”m not a trash can and stick up for yourself . . .

Smoke Screens

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

You Got To Be KiddingSome criminals use smoke screens when they commit crimes. Setting off a smoke bomb serves as camouflage, a diversion and a covering for illegal behavior. Smoke screens are specifically designed to obscure, confuse, and mislead. Can you think of a time when someone used a smoke screen to divert attention away from their own flaws? Hiding their wrongs behind a “wall of smoke” is their way of avoiding having to own their bad behaviors. Sometimes when they realize that the smoke screens aren’t working they’ll attack your self-worth by pointing out your faults. 

Leaving you with a critical spirit that focuses on your faults and the faults of others in trying to increase your sense of self-worth. A critical spirit is evident based on a combination of classic characteristics that critical people exhibit. The following list will help you recognize and better understand those who a critical spirit or mouth. Here is a list you can use to gain some insight into your own smoke screens or others.

S- Spreading harmful gossip with the justification that “everyone ought to know”

M- Making others feel embarrassed about their success while secretly envying them.

O- Objecting to criticism from others to avoid personal accountability.

K- Kidding some with the intent to hurt.

E- Engaging in “constructive” criticism is in no way constructive.

S- Shifting the blame to someone else when you yourself are to blame.

C- Criticizing someone’s happiness because you are unhappy.

R- Reminding others of their past failures to avoid attracting attention to your failures.

E- employing sarcastic humor as a weapon to attack.

E- Elevating yourself by putting others down.

N- Nurturing perfectionistic  tendencies to make yourself look better.

Imagine a beam of wood embedded in your eye. It’s to large for you to dislodge without immense pain. It’s too terrifying to think of other people prying it out. The solution seems simply: Ignore it . . . deny it . . . create a smoke screen so no one will notice it. But you can’t hide the beam forever, eventually it will be revealed.

Most people who display a critical spirit seem to be strong to the average observer because of the boldness with which they spew out their critical comments. In truth, criticism is more often the weapon of the weak than of the strong. It serves both to disguise their perceived inner deficiencies and to deceive others into thinking they are self-assured and confident while making others feel like trash. . . you are not a trash can . . . don’t be fooled by someone’s smoke screen  . . . not even your own.

Don’t Settle For Less Than An Ocean Of Love

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

GoodbyeGrand gestures are fun. They can make the heart soar. But if they only happen once or twice a year, what’s the fun in that? Little gestures are not as splashy but they are like raindrops of love, so let your love rain down. When people lose a partner whom they’ve loved dearly, it’s not the grand gestures that they miss. It’s the little things. It’s that perfect cup of coffee in the morning. It’s loading the dishwasher and actually turning it on. I’s checking to make sure the front door is locked before you go to sleep at night. It’s the hugs. It’s holding hands at the movie show. It’s what doesn’t need be said while strolling along the seaside because their eyes say it all. Don’t just settle for few raindrops of love ask for oceans of love,  because you deserve to be loved with grand waves and little waves of love.

Here is another way to look at it  the little things are like the nails that hold a house together. You don’t see them, but they’re doing their work. And like nails, the little things don’t insert themselves without some help. Each one may not take a lot of energy but if you put just enough energy into the little things, over time you’ll build a great big love. You’ve been taught to say “thank you” for presents, but do you acknowledge the little presents your sweetheart gives your every day? You can never say ” thank you” too many times, thought most people don’t say it enough. 

You’re not a trash can . . .

Create Your Canvass Of Love

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self- Help by

LoveSome days you may push love aside. Other times love may push you around. Just make certain in your heart and in your head that you are working in unison when creating your canvass of love. since you “fall” in love, many people treat love as if it were some strange beast over which they have no control. But you have more say over your emotions than you think. Watch a sad movie and you’ll cry. Dance to your favorite tune and your spirit will soar. You can have a similar effect on the setting of your love dial.

While love can be overwhelming at times, or so subtle you can’t tell it’s their, that doesn’t absolve you from using self-control. Even if you are head over heals in love, you should keep some control, or you risk driving away the person you adore. There are times to go overboard and other times to bank that excess love. And at the other extreme, if your schedule is crammed twenty-four hours a day, you can’t forget that you have a sweetheart who had needs that must be meet. Sure, there are days when you can take out a loan that you promise to pay back with interest, but you can also overextend that type of credit and wind up bankrupt. 

You don’t need any special skills to be an artist at love. You just need to be aware that you deserve to be loved and love by that one person special man or woman who you call sweetheart. That makes you want to shout “I love you” across the room. Think of yourself as a painter, a painter of love, a painter who mixes colors to come up with various shades. It’s the same with love sometimes love can become boring if it becomes to monotone. If you are just going through the motions to keep your one and only from ending the relationship then you are short-changing yourself and them. It is far better to get  to the root of your problems and see if the love you once felt can be restored.

If you’re in a loving and healthy relationship then take a few minuets and image yourself as a painter of love who mixes colors to come up with various shades. What shades best express how you feel about your sweetheart? Maybe shades of  passionate red, or succulent deep purples or soft romantic pinks or maybe all the colors of the rainbow express your feelings of love and passion. You must do the same with love because even love can be boring if it’s always the same old routine. So, some days, even if you’re not feeling overly romantic but vary much in love with your sweetheart turn up the heat and create a rainbow of love. Shout! “I love you “and put an extra oomph into the way you kiss them in the morning. Not only will your sweetheart appreciate your use of the brighter colors in your palette of love, but it will probably change your mood as well.

It’s Alright To Ask For Help

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

She's Got FeetWhen was the last time you felt comfortable asking someone for anything . . . for advice, for help, or even for directions?  Asking for what we want whether its help, advice, wisdom, guidance, or information can start us on a new adventure especially information. It was the information on a sign that led me to a delightful new coffee bar while I was leisurely strolling down 5th Avenue in San Diego and I stopped to enjoy a delicious glass of iced café latte’ and sat at  an outdoor table, shaded by a bright red and white stripped umbrella, surrounded by charming white pots of geraniums and every few minutes I peaked with pleasure into my shopping bag to admire the new summer outfit that I had just purchased. 

The best thing about this adventure was that the outfit I bought passed the I am not a trash can test . . .  meaning it looked great, I wanted it, I didn’t just like it I loved it and myself in it, I felt wonderful in it, they were on sale, and I their was no ones critical voice  . . . not even mine criticizing me. Now that’s freedom!

As I finished my delicious drink I started my stroll back to where I was staying when I noticed a women who just by looking at her I could tell that she possessed a sure sense of style . . . she looked terrific, you know the kind, the ones who can pull off wearing a burlap bag. Well she gave me a condescending glance and I smiled at her and said, hello to her and her whole facial expression changed as she said hello back to me with a smile on her face and then I asked her for directions and complimented her on her outfit.

She was gracious and helpful and I was happy because I didn’t allow myself to feel less than her. I just appreciated being me . . . and I didn’t allow any thoughts to put me in the trash can. Have fun being you and stay out of the trash can.

You’re Not A Trash Can

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

You're Not A Trash CanYou are not a trash can . . .You Are Not A DumpsterYou are not a dumpster . . .You're not a Trash CompactorYou are not a trash compactor . . .Be StrongHurting people hurt people . . .Let your dreams be bigYou are smart, you can do it, you are can trade your ashes for beauty . . .

Stop Being A People Pleaser and Become The Authentic You!

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Be RealPerhaps as a child you were told not to toot your own horn, even when you accomplished something amazing. Or maybe you were told to stop dreaming of setting the world on fire, and “have modest aspirations, so you wouldn’t be disappointed.” Maybe when you try to express your authentic self you hear an old voice berating you for “being a show off.” Yet at the same time, out of the corner of your eye you see it was the big gestures that got all the attention in life. Glamour. Fame, Wealth. The trinity of what’s considered good taste and worshiped by the world. Or at least that’s the way the international best-dressed lists, the movie stars’ mansions that are glorified in glossy layouts. It’s not enough to write a finely honored first novel, it has to be a best-seller or you’ll have difficulty publishing a second one. 

You can’t just be a talented actress, you have to win an Academy Award to be considered a success. Tell me, when was the last time you knew of a bronze medalist signing a $1 million endorsement deal? Most of us wouldn’t see our name in lights on Broadway, so we give up, sorry we even tried, our sense of self diminished. Being a modest success just doesn’t make it. We hear “modest” and think “mediocre.” What if modesty isn’t the self-effacing shy, retiring, nerdy virtue we’ve thought she is? What if modesty is really passion restrained? What if modesty is a virtue full of her own smoldering sense of self that she isn’t distracted by the glitz? The American writer and illustrator Oliver Herford believed that modesty was ” the gentle art of enhancing your own charm by pretending not to be aware of it.” People with an authentic style know what they are, but even more important, they know what they are not. They don’t care about labels, They care about personal expression.

Frank Lloyd Wright would never have asked Laura Ashley to decorate his house, even though both showcase the beauty of modesty in their work. The trick is to go deep enough to tap into the core of your authenticity and allow it to flourish. Are you wondering how to begin? First, find out what you love and remember that if you are someone who has tried to please other people or what we call a “people pleaser” this can seem like a daunting task. You may experience awareness that you are  so disconnected from yourself that you don’t even know what you like do,much less love to do. You might want to talk to someone who is professional trained who can teach you how to go from being a people pleaser and help you to find your authentic self.

I leave this thought with you today. Goldilocks was a modest little lady who didn’t want very much. She knew what was “just right,” what was perfect for her . . . be it porridge, chair or bed and she made confident, creative choices. Now there’s a girl we should all want to be when we grow up. It’s never to late, you’re never to old, to young, to find your authentic self . . .  and you clearly are not a trash can.

What A Tangled Web We Weave When First We Practice To Deceive

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

Don't Let A Bad Day Make You Think You Have A Bad LifeAre you doing the right things but in a relationship with someone who isn’t?  Remember the saying, “What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”? Talk about stress and complexities! When we don’t live our lives according to our moral standard . . . when we make all of our decisions based on a sliding scale designed by someone else  . . . when we give them permission to lie or twist the truth  . . . our lives can get really complicated, really fast. When we allow ourselves to just go along with someone to get along we can start to become unglued faster than we ever thought. 

On, the other hand, when we live by a healthy moral code, things get so much simpler. Should I tell the cashier that the one cup cake pan sheet rang up is actually two stuck together? If you live by a moral code, there’s no stress for you in this situation because you know exactly what to do. Should I fudge on my income tax? If you live by a code of honor, the answers simple. Should I fantasize about someone who is off-limits? Have an affair? Lie to my husband about the credit card bill? Pass along a bit of juicy news even though it was told to me in confidence? These are no-brainers . . .  as long as you have a code to guide you.

If you want to see how complicated life can become when moral standards are compromised? Just watch the news or Judge Judy on any given day there are stories about people who used poor judgement just one time and caused themselves a whole heap of trouble and sometimes even end up in jail. Those men and women are reaping whirlwinds of complexity unusually because somewhere along the way, they got out of the habit of doing the right thing. You don’t want to be like them. Do you?

If you live by a moral code, does that mean your life will never feel stressed or complex? Of course not. But when you make the healthiest choices you can make, each and every day, no matter what traumas and stress comes into our lives at least you’ll have the comfort of knowing that you did you best. Maybe you’ll sleep better at night. Besides, as stressful as life gets, the chances are good that you’re going to want to avoid the added stress that comes with a lifetime of making REALLY bonehead decisions. They say you reap what you sow. So why not Sow wise choices and reap peace.

The good news is that with a little effort or a lot of effort depending on your circumstances you can strip away the residue, wash out unwanted build-up, experience less fatigues, and even put a new bounce in your step. Best yet, you’ll never have to explain to your husband or boyfriend why you are over your limit on credit cards. If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same moral code and they don’t want to develop one then you might consider ending the relationship. After all you’re not a trash can . . . are you?

Is Any Relationship Really Better Than No Relationship At All?

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Relationships, Self- Help by

It's OverSo why is it so hard to end a relationship when you know you’re being manipulated? Here is one answer or way of looking at it. Maybe it’s because you fear losing the real or perceived benefits you are receiving in the relationship. Ask yourself what it will coast you to walk away. Even unhealthy relationships can provide a sense of feeling loved, significant, and secure. A desperate fear of rejection often paralyzes a person who is trying to make healthy relationships . The belief is of that ” any relationship is better than no relationship.”

When you decide not to be dependent on the person who is the manipulator don’t expect the manipulator to understand or agree with your decisions. Don’t expect them to acknowledge that they have manipulated you and the relationship. Don’t expect them to acknowledge being manipulative and don’t expect them to be willing to stop controlling you and to set you free. However with all that being said, you can prepare yourself by accepting the fact that change is painful, but in time, peace will reign in your heart and may also reign in your relationship. Accept the fact that manipulators resist change and accept the fact that if you don’t change, you will stay in pain and peace will elude you. You will have no peace, no quietness, no rest, but only turmoil.

Ask yourself how are you being manipulated if you can’t see your blind spots ask a trusted friend to help you to see the relationship more clearly and ask them to help you to develop a plan of action. You may want to seek professional help for added support. You can never have to many cheerleaders when you decide to tell the person who is manipulating you about the changes you are going to make. It’s not always easy changing an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one. You may find yourself stating that you’ve been wrong in the way you’ve related to them and at times you’ve not spoken up because you’ve been too fearful. You might even find yourself trying to explain to them that is not been healthy for either of you. Remember you’re not responsible for how they react sometimes manipulators are masters at making others feel a lot of false guilt.

You can go on to say to them that you really care about them and that you are committed to change and how you ultimately want to have a much healthier relationship. Or, if it is not appropriate to continue in a relationship at all . . . then you state your resolve by saying ” I cannot continue in a relationship with you and be the person I need to be for my children or for myself.” Don’t defend yourself although you will be accused of not being loving and caring . . .  you may choose to be silent, but don’t use silence as a weapon. Or, you may choose to state the truth once or repeat it several times. “I’m so sorry you feel that way . . .  what you’ve said is not true, it does not reflect my heart.” Or you might feel comfortable saying, “I understand that you think I am being heartless, but my goal is to become healthy.” Don’t allow yourself to become confused if they resort to using other methods to control you and remember that  they need to know that you are aware of the new methods they are trying to use and eventually they will start to realize  that those tactics wouldn’t work either. ” Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words, are perverse.”

 

You’re Not A Trash Can

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self- Help by

The Girl In YellowThe statement you’re not a trash can mean that you are allowing someone with or without recognizing their behaviors to provoke you into emotional patterns that are not good for you. Think about this when someone is dumping into you all their negativity and emotions or  belittling you . . .  It’s as if they are vomiting into a trash can but instead of a trash can you are a human being who deserves to be treated in a respectful way, in a kind and loving way. If you have lost the ability to treat the ones you love with respect, kindness, and love then maybe you should stop and take a hard long look into yourself and get to the root of why you are not able to be kind, loving or respectful and stop using people like trash cans.

Allowing yourself to be used as a trash can does not originate from a personality flaw or a generic defect. Allowing yourself to be used as a trash can many times is rooted in immaturity, a fact that speaks to the possibility of a codependent lifestyle. However there is good news you don’t have to continue allowing others to use you as a trash can, you can change. While change is never easy, no one has to remain forever in the trash can position. You can change your position any time you want. No one has to remain forever codependent and forgo the opportunity to move from immaturity to maturity. The first step toward maturity is acknowledging and confronting your own codependency.

The key to change is motivation. When your pain in the relationship is greater than your fear of abandonment, the motivation for change is powerful. Moving away from the pain of Codependency then becomes a matter of choice and commitment. If you feel that the relationship you are in is more of a curse than a blessing . . .  that it brings more death to your soul than life this can be a strong motivation for change. Maybe it’s time for you to choose life and not death for your soul and get out of the trash can.